Bad Day

I feel so unattractive right now. I feel fat, grumpy, and period less. Under normal circumstances, not having a period would be a blessing. I actually hate those things. Trifling Eve is the reason we are suffering in the first place, but I digress...Yeah, I wouldn't mind a missed period or two or twelve. I wouldn't even miss it if I had already had all my fifty-eleven children and it was not an anomaly. It just sucks because not having it right now means something is wrong and having children would possibly not happen (my mind is stuck on worst case scenarios). It is just so hard. Singleness is enough, I swear, and having fertility issues would just be too

much. I realized something last night as I was writing a letter to my future husband (don't ask... ok, I'll tell you later). I realized that I can't say I was waiting for him. I was waiting on "Angel." Angel is the reason I'm waiting. I honestly can't say I would have waited if the boys/men I liked had liked me back. God honest truth. I do believe in purity and having multiple partners over time is just not my thing, but I never felt so strict about it. When I think about finally finding someone, honesty we are never married before starting a physical relationship. Even my daydreams tend to stop when we get married. It's like I subconsciously know that everything will go downhill from there. Yeah, it's crazy. Blew my mind last night. I'm not as "good" as I thought I was. Well, I never truly believed I was good, but I am a great pretender. Reflecting on everything, I think God has always shielded me, always hid me from those types of relationships-the ultimate cockblocker (jk Lord, please don't strike me down!). He knows who I would have fell for and who I would withstand against. It's trippy to think of God running interference and keeping me pure for His reasons. Now, I just wonder what those reasons are.