Am I mad at God? (Part 2)

I felt let down by God today. I asked Him to speak to me/meet me tangibly. I practically begged Him. He had the opportunity today and He passed me by. I don't think I ever felt true disappointment in God. I never truly felt ignored by Him, but I felt it in 4D today. I don't blame Him because (1) I was/am mad at Him, (2) I don't live life as I should, (3) I know I don't love him nearly as much as I should, (4) I don't deserve His love and attention anyway. He is still good y'all despite what is going on with me. But now, I don't know how to function. I feel resolved to be there for myself, to encourage myself, but I have never been good at that. I honestly feel like the air has went out of my sails. I feel deflated and a bit lost. The little light I had has gotten dimmer and dimmer. What am I going to do y'all?