Toxic

There has been major dissension in my family because of the divorce situation. My sister sought out my pastor for counseling because this has been affecting her mentally and emotionally and my mom refuses to talk and she is even going out of her way to avoid us. Sidenote: I haven't told anyone but even at church I tried to just greet her and tell her hello and she just waved and walked in the opposite direction of me and greeted and was friendly to everyone else. Can you imagine just standing watching your mom actively grinning and laughing in people's face, avoiding you, and all you want to do is say hi, not even on some petty, deceptive nonsense, just wanting to be cordial. Yeah, that hurt me so bad because 1. we are really, really close and 2. I was never on the type of time my sister was on and YET, she treated me worse than a stranger....

But I forgave her and tried again during my sister's birthday trip. I had to have a talk with my sister to make sure the trip was drama free. Was is awkward at many moments, Yes, but it was at least cordial and we made it through, but my sister wanted more. Honestly, I didn't want to talk to my pastor. Partly because I don't like people in our business (well, except for this blog) and I know my mom would not like the "real" being exposed. As I mentioned in my book and in other posts, she is a professional at keeping a facade and it has been that way my entire life. We went to church for the session and all of my sisters and my mom was there. I won't go into every detail, but I realized during that time how broken my family is. No true open communication, a lot of judgment, lack of accountability for one's actions, misguided moral/religious beliefs, and just fake relationships. I know we love each other but we are are SO toxic and I didn't realize how much until that moment. We left the session "better" meaning my sisters felt lighter, but we never resolved anything. With almost a month passing, we are back to our "perfect family" facade, but I'm still broken.

You know the part that irritated me the most was directly after the meeting, my pastor was talking to me and one of my sisters about his son and how he just won some award and how it's been his life mission to show up for his kids. I just stared at him. I literally thought it was a joke because who would say that in that moment. A family is on the verge of collapse and you are talking about your "happy and healthy" family. SMH. He is a great person, but is terrible at reading a moment. I'm just so sad and so tired. This year from last August until now has been horrible, first at work and now home. I know I deserve punishment for all the stupid things I have done and do, but this feels like more than even I deserve. I know I have been saying this a lot in the last posts, but for real, please pray for me.