Back at the place I don't want to be

I don't know what place I'm in right now. At church I literally set on a pew between a past crush with his fiance and my distant friend (because of my doing) who is living the life I've always desired. I was in the literal middle just staying constant. No true life changes, just everything being much of the same.

I've said it before, it's hard in a situation like that to be genuinely happy for them. I felt like the Lord kind of set me up- for failure or success I don't know. It was the exact scenario I did not need today, especially when I am working on being better. But I did my part, I shook hands, gave hugs, said the right words, and I was genuine. I was. I truly want happiness for them. What is going on with me has nothing to do with them. The ire I feel is not them, but it's me. Is something wrong with me? That is the thought that keeps plaguing me. I literally had to ask God to help me because I haven't been in this place in a while. Not sure how I got here, and it wasn't from just this moment. It has just been building over the last few weeks. Tiny bits of untruths that I started insisting and living as truths. Again, just when I am ready to let go and just live, I get thrown back into this place. I want to see a counselor or therapist but I don't want relay my trauma over and over again and cause myself to spiral. Y'all know what I want more than anything right now....just to be happy, whatever that means. To be genuinely happy as I am, where I am, and where I am going. Please pray for me!